Sure, the beginning was hard, when I was sucking air and trying to get my body used to something it had never done before. But mentally, it was easy because every run was a new accomplishment; every day I did something I’d never done before, and it was such a high.
But then, after that first race, you’re just… a runner. Every run is not a big deal. They start to blur together, and the mental challenge becomes just getting yourself out the door and finding your motivation.
And now, I’m training for this 10 mile race, which feels audacious. After 10 months of running, every run still feels audacious. Like, who do I think I am to even try to accomplish this? There is so much anxiety in me during those first few steps I take. I have no idea how each run is going to go or if I’m going to make it.
I have found that 4 miles is a magic number for me. Once I make it past 4 miles, the anxiety goes away and my mind starts to wander to things other than running. In fact, on my 8 mile run the other day, I almost ran into traffic because I was lost in my own world.
But I digress. The point is, there is still this fear in me that I can’t do it. That all of my successful runs were just anomalies. And every once in a while, I’ll have a really bad run that reinforces this belief.
A few weeks ago, my sinuses were really bothering me. I breathe through my nose when I run, so this caused some problems. I made it 3 miles on one run and almost passed out. I was literally seeing spots, and it felt like all the blood was rushing to my head. When I got home, it took over an hour for my color to return back to normal. I think I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.
I wasn’t too upset. I had still finished my run as scheduled, and I knew why it was so hard. No big deal.
But then Saturday came around, and I had to do 7 miles for my long run. I made it 2. Same problem as before, but this time I didn’t push myself any further; I listened to my body.
I was incredibly discouraged. I felt like crying. I was frustrated with my body and worried that this meant I’m not really a runner and wouldn’t be ready for the race. But as I was walking home in total shame, I thought, “This is the true test. The obstacle I need to overcome isn’t distance; it’s my attitude. I need to stop being so hard on myself, realize that there are going to be bad days, and try again tomorrow.”
So I did. And I only made it two miles the next day, too.
Oh man, was it hard to not give in to that sense of failure. I had to keep looking at my inspirational quotes on Pinterest and telling myself that things would get better, I shouldn’t give up, and the most important thing is to listen to my body and do what feels right.
Again, I told myself, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”
I took a rest day, and by Tuesday, my sinuses were clearing up. I had also just made the decision to end things with Bernie, and there is no better motivation for running than heartbreak. I went out with the goal of 3 miles, but planned on going further if it felt good. I ended up doing 5.5 miles, and the only reasons for stopping were that I was super late for small group, and even though it felt good at the time, I knew I shouldn’t push myself too far.
This was such a victory for me. Not that I was able to run over 5 miles, but that I didn’t give in to the discouragement and frustration and anxiety. When I felt like this last fall, I was ready to give up and not run the 5k. This time was still difficult, but I stayed calm and just kept telling myself, “It’s not the end of the world. You’ll try again tomorrow.”
Running truly is one of the greatest emotional challenges I’ve ever taken on. And not only can I see how I’m getting better as a runner, but I can see my emotional growth, too.
The benefits of running are endless. Seriously, everyone in the world should be doing this. J
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