So, um, sometimes I can be a little dramatic...

At first, the whole "too slow for the half marathon" thing didn't bother me. I meant what I wrote in my last blog post.

And then Pete and I were texting, and I told him about it, and he was like, "Seriously? You're THAT slow? I thought you were a real runner... You're like one of those old people doing laps at the mall."

And then I went for what was supposed to be a 4 mile run, but I was really struggling and going so slow, and this girl gave me a judgmental look, so I stopped after 2 and sat on my couch and decided I was done with "running."

I was still upset the next day. Pete and I had another conversation in which he supported my decision and suggested I try P90X instead. I bought diet food when I went grocery shopping and told Kristin I was just going to diet.

"That's fine, but is that why you were running in the first place?"

She had a point. Losing weight was never my reason for running.

My original reason for running- staying in shape for canyoneering- ended up not paying off. I don't think I was in any better shape than I was this summer.

But somewhere along the way, my reason for running changed. I wasn't thinking about canyoneering or losing weight; I was just thinking about how good it made me feel.

I was serious about quitting running for a few days. But yesterday, I REALLY wanted to go for a run. I couldn't stop thinking about it today. I'm so mad that the weather is so ridiculously cold; now I'm going to have to wait till Wednesday to run. I see snow in the forecast, so I'm crossing my fingers that I'm still able to run.

This latest little crisis has taught me a few things:

1. I don't think I could quit running, even if I wanted to. I have an addictive personality; apparently I can now add running to my list of addictions.

2. There are going to be some runs that just totally suck, and I need to just get over it and try again the next day rather than overreacting.

3. I was reminded of the incredible support system I have in my life. I have such encouraging friends who offer everything from tough love ("STOP LETTING STUPID BOYS MAKE YOUR DECISIONS FOR YOU!") to sweet words to name calling ("You are a runner, penis head!") to threats. ("If you don't snap out of this, I'm calling Joe!")

Slow

My friend Anne and I were planning on running the Chicago Get Lucky half-marathon in March.

Here is why Anne is awesome. An email from her this morning contained the following quote:

"Dear half-marathon, in the wise words of Rihanna, 'Imma make you my bitch and it ain't even my birthday.'"

I didn't want to register for the race until I was sure I could do it. After my 10 miles the other night, I felt confident I could do 13 miles by March.

So tonight I went on the race website and saw that there is a 3 hour limit.

It took me 2:26 to run those 10 miles. I'm not going to finish a half marathon in under 3 hours.

Now, I honestly don't care about my pace. Yes, I know I'm more of a slow jogger than an actual runner. But it doesn't bother me... The point is, I got it done. And actually, I'm impressed with myself that I can jog for two and a half hours!

Also, this is only my pace for long runs. Today's 3 mile run, for example, had an average pace of 13:19. I've even had a few runs where my pace was around 12:30. But if I'm going a long distance, I'm going slow. There's no way my pace is going to increase that drastically in 8 weeks. So, no half marathon for me... :(

I am scheduled to run 13 miles Valentine's weekend. So that will just be my own private little half marathon.

And I don't care if I suck. I'm still going to keep running. Actually, jogging.

10 Miles

I was looking forward to FreezeFest because Jason and I needed to have an in-depth conversation about my running goals.

I won't go into what those goals are, but I was not expecting his reaction.  After I went on and on about my options, and what if this and what if that and how should I do this, he said, "I don't like it."

"What??? I  thought you'd be encouraging this!"

"You have too much stress and anxiety.  You're putting too much pressure on yourself.  I don't want you running because you're following some schedule and scared to miss a day.  I want you running because you love it.  If this becomes an obligation, or if you can't keep up with the training, I'm afraid you're going to give up on running." 

I think he is both right and wrong.  My goals are ambitious, and it is entirely possible that I won't meet them and will get discouraged. But I'm going to keep my goals, and try to remain realistic.  And if it's not fun, I'll stop. 

Yesterday was fun. 

My training schedule had me running 5 miles.  There was anxiety going into yesterday's run for several reasons:

1. I didn't run during my vacation and wasn't sure how that would affect me.

2. I was behind a day; I was supposed to do that run over the weekend, but there was an ice situation.

3. My long run for the following weekend is 9 miles, and that was a really scary number for me since I'd never gone more than 7. 

I started running.  It was cold (18 degrees by the time I finished) and I was going slow.  But around Mile 3, it just felt so good.  I found a rhythm and didn't want to stop.  I started to consider doing more than 5 miles.  I thought, "What if I just go for it and do the 9 today?  That way it won't be stressing me out all week."  This felt audacious, especially considering I hadn't had any water all day (stupid Diet Coke), and my pre-run snack was some Cheetos.  But I thought, who cares, I'm just going to run until it doesn't feel good anymore.  If I can't do 9 today, I can try again this weekend.  I imagined I was Maniac Magee and ran and ran.

As I passed Mile 7, I started to grin.  This was unfamiliar territory.

At Mile 8, I thought, "You know, if I'm going to do 9, I might as well do 10.  That's a nice round number."

At Mile 8.5, my knee started to hurt and I thought, "Okay, I'm over this." But I was so close, I had to finish. 

And with Mumford and Sons as my accompaniment, I did finish.  With a huge smile on my face. 

I immediately called Jason, before I even got back in my apartment.  He was in his kayak on a lake in the Superstitions. (Jealous!!!)

"Jason!!!  I just ran 10 miles!!!"

"Hell yeah!"

"And I did it because it just felt so good to run."

"Good job!  I'm so proud of you!"

We're not going to talk about my time.  It was truly awful.  (Although, being so slow, I am impressed that I was able to run for so long!)  I honestly don't care about my time.  All I care about is getting those miles done.

It was a really amazing moment.  I am starting to feel legit.

I never thought I'd say this, but I f-ing love running.