Why Joe and Jason are the best coaches EVER.

Tonight I texted Joe and said, "Joe, I am FREAKING OUT over what to wear to the race tomorrow. (You are the only person I could text who wouldn't laugh at this.)"

My phone rang just seconds later, and just as I expected, he was not laughing at me; he understood my dilemma.

(This wasn't about vanity; this was a weather situation.)

It's weird, because Joe has only been my friend for about a year, but I feel like he GETS my anxiety more than most people do.

So he talked me through it and offered several creative solutions, and I think it's gonna be okay.

I talked to Jason earlier this week, too. I love the speech he gives me about how I'm running "Erin's race," and how important it is to ignore people around me and just do my thing. We discussed how I get into the "zone" at Mile 4, and techniques for getting there more quickly. I told him I was worried about not being able to finish, and he told me that, once I start that race, I WILL finish, because he knows me and I will crawl across that finish line if I have to. Knowing that someone has that kind of faith in me makes my heart happy; that was the sweetest thing he could have said. And he's right; even if I'm struggling, it will be sheer stubbornness that gets me across the finish line tomorrow.

I'm nervous. But thanks to Joe and Jason, I'm ready.

Name Change

I have a feeling Nancy is going to yell at me for changing the name of this blog, so I thought I'd explain.

Long story short, Bernie's ex-girlfriend looked at his phone, got my number, and called me a fat bitch and just about every variation of that. Over and over. Hours of constant texting and phone calls.

Don't worry, friends; I Urkeled the bitch, and now she leaves me alone.

But a few days after all this drama, I went on a long run, and I thought, "I may be a fat bitch, but this fat bitch can run 8 miles."

Hence the name. For now. I do plan on losing weight when I get to Phoenix, so hopefully I won't be a fat bitch forever.

Zombies, Run!

And this is why I love Pinterest.

Someone pinned a running app called Zombies, Run! I was pretty excited to add a little something different to my routine.

The way it works is it tells a story as you're running. You're in some helicopter that crashes in an area with lots of zombies, and someone at base camp is talking to you and trying to help you. As you run, you acquire materials. I haven't gotten much further than that.

It did make my run a little more interesting. You can sync it with your playlist, and the narration only happens around every other song. There was a particularly interesting moment when I was listening to "Just the Way You Are" and a voice came into my headphones yelling, "The zombies have spotted you! Run! RUN!!!"

Not sure if I'll use it every time, but I enjoyed it. And what a brilliant idea!

Things I See While Running in My Neighborhood

The kids down the street with the portable basketball hoop (one of the little boys once told me I "look very nice")

Lilac bushes

Hipster running fashions (Dude, isn't it hot running with all those dreds? Put them in a ponytail!)

The sno-cone guy from Coco (who cheers me on)

Elegant old buildings

Ducks (like Ed and Dolores) in the pond

Green grass and big old trees

Grafitti

Tee ball games; dads coaching their kids

The same people running (we pass each other doing laps in opposite directions; one girl waved at me today as we ran by each other)

The Night Ministry truck helping the homeless

Kids swarming all over the massive playground

Old Puerto Rican guys smoking cigarettes on the corner

Community garden plots

Art at the Peanut Gallery

People smoking pot (well, this one I smell more than I see)

Really pale people (gotta love spring in Chicago)

People of ALL different shapes and sizes getting in their workout and enjoying the weather

Happiness

I stole some lilacs on my run yesterday. I felt a little guilty, but there are still plenty left for others to enjoy. I got lots of smiles from random people on my walk home. My bedroom now smells like lilacs. It was so nice to fall asleep and wake up to that this morning!

It's all in your head.

I think the most difficult part of running is the mental part.

Sure, the beginning was hard, when I was sucking air and trying to get my body used to something it had never done before. But mentally, it was easy because every run was a new accomplishment; every day I did something I’d never done before, and it was such a high.

But then, after that first race, you’re just… a runner. Every run is not a big deal. They start to blur together, and the mental challenge becomes just getting yourself out the door and finding your motivation.

And now, I’m training for this 10 mile race, which feels audacious. After 10 months of running, every run still feels audacious. Like, who do I think I am to even try to accomplish this? There is so much anxiety in me during those first few steps I take. I have no idea how each run is going to go or if I’m going to make it.

I have found that 4 miles is a magic number for me. Once I make it past 4 miles, the anxiety goes away and my mind starts to wander to things other than running. In fact, on my 8 mile run the other day, I almost ran into traffic because I was lost in my own world.

But I digress. The point is, there is still this fear in me that I can’t do it. That all of my successful runs were just anomalies. And every once in a while, I’ll have a really bad run that reinforces this belief.

A few weeks ago, my sinuses were really bothering me. I breathe through my nose when I run, so this caused some problems. I made it 3 miles on one run and almost passed out. I was literally seeing spots, and it felt like all the blood was rushing to my head. When I got home, it took over an hour for my color to return back to normal. I think I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

I wasn’t too upset. I had still finished my run as scheduled, and I knew why it was so hard. No big deal.

But then Saturday came around, and I had to do 7 miles for my long run. I made it 2. Same problem as before, but this time I didn’t push myself any further; I listened to my body.

I was incredibly discouraged. I felt like crying. I was frustrated with my body and worried that this meant I’m not really a runner and wouldn’t be ready for the race. But as I was walking home in total shame, I thought, “This is the true test. The obstacle I need to overcome isn’t distance; it’s my attitude. I need to stop being so hard on myself, realize that there are going to be bad days, and try again tomorrow.”

So I did. And I only made it two miles the next day, too.

Oh man, was it hard to not give in to that sense of failure. I had to keep looking at my inspirational quotes on Pinterest and telling myself that things would get better, I shouldn’t give up, and the most important thing is to listen to my body and do what feels right.

Again, I told myself, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

I took a rest day, and by Tuesday, my sinuses were clearing up. I had also just made the decision to end things with Bernie, and there is no better motivation for running than heartbreak. I went out with the goal of 3 miles, but planned on going further if it felt good. I ended up doing 5.5 miles, and the only reasons for stopping were that I was super late for small group, and even though it felt good at the time, I knew I shouldn’t push myself too far.

This was such a victory for me. Not that I was able to run over 5 miles, but that I didn’t give in to the discouragement and frustration and anxiety. When I felt like this last fall, I was ready to give up and not run the 5k. This time was still difficult, but I stayed calm and just kept telling myself, “It’s not the end of the world. You’ll try again tomorrow.”

Running truly is one of the greatest emotional challenges I’ve ever taken on. And not only can I see how I’m getting better as a runner, but I can see my emotional growth, too.

The benefits of running are endless. Seriously, everyone in the world should be doing this. J

I Get to Run

When I first started running, I looked forward to it all day. I hated my life during the run, but felt so good after. Running was my priority. I was so happy.

I lost that over the winter. I stayed strong through December, and I really think running is what got me through my December depression. But the next several months were just hard! I was sick, and the weather sucked, and I just didn't feel like it.

Not running regularly was like a downward spiral. First, there was the constant guilty feeling for not running. Then I started gaining weight and have had many days where I look at myself and say, "You are too fat to leave the house." Then, when I did run, I wasn't able to go very far, and I'd tell myself over and over how much I sucked for only being able to run like, 2 miles at a time. I didn't feel good after a run; I just felt discouraged. I ran because I felt like I had to.

(And yes, I know how unhealthy this all is. My friend has already recommended a therapist to me in Phoenix.)

But I've turned a corner, and now I'm back to where I was last fall. The other day I caught myself looking at the clock, counting down the hours till I could run. I race home from work, change clothes, and am out the door again without even sitting down. The first mile always sucks, but then I'm in my own world and the time flies by. I detest rest days; I feel lazy and guilty and want to be outside. (Although, now that I think about it, I could always, you know, go for a walk or something...) Anyway, I wake up thinking, "I get to run today," and it makes me so happy.

I don't know if it's the sunshine, or the race I'm training for, or just the fact that I'm getting back to where I was before my slump, but I've fallen in love with running all over again.

P.S. My short run this week was 3 miles, and I did it almost two minutes faster than I ever have before. With a sinus infection. Hell yeah!