Half Marathon Training

I began my half marathon training this week.  Here are my thoughts:

1.  I think it sounds totally bad-ass to say I'm training for a half marathon.

2.  I immediately feel guilty when people look impressed, because Week 1 is so easy- 3 mi, 2 mi, 3 mi, 4 mi.  It's really not a big deal.  I am so tempted to jump ahead, but I'm going to go slow and do this right.  

3.  I still haven't found a half marathon to run yet.  I was going to do the one in Nashville, but Anne said that Mile 2 is all uphill.  No thank you.  I can't afford to travel too far, and I'll be gone all summer.  (OMG, I just thought of something.  This summer, I can go trail running FOR REAL.  That's what started this all.  One of my happiest moments on my trip was an unplanned 5 mile hike I took before dinner one night at King's Canyon NP.  I was way up high on this ridge in the Sierra Nevadas, and the trail was relatively flat.  It wound in and out of pine trees, give me views of the valleys on each side of me.  I was completely alone.  And I just took off running.  My feet felt light, my hair was flying behind me, and I was overwhelmed with joy.  THIS summer, I'll be able to run for more than 30 seconds at a time.  I can't wait.  Now that's all I can think about...)   

(My view while running that day...)

Oh yeah, back to half marathons... There's one in Chicago on March 18 that I might do.  The timing should be perfect; I should be ready by then.  

4.  I feel like I have a lot of nerve to say I'm going to do a half marathon.  Like, who do I think I am?  I am not an athlete.  I will never be good at running.   I need to keep reminding myself- "Eshet Chayil!"

5.  I've had trouble motivating myself to run this week.  That saying about getting yourself out the door being the hardest part is so true!  I'm always glad I did it; I don't know why it's so hard!  I've found that I have to plan for it to be part of my day; it has to be on my schedule.  

6.  I read somewhere that cold weather makes you run faster and scoffed at that.  It didn't make sense to me.  And then, when I did my 3 mile run on Sunday, RunKeeper said my pace was like, 12:30.  Nancy immediately commented on the RunKeeper website, and I told her it was an error.  There was no way I was running that fast.  Maybe a little over 13 min miles, but RunKeeper must have malfunctioned.  Last night, the wind chill was 26 degrees and I had to do 2 miles.  I'm never in a hurry; I always go slow because I'm afraid that, if I go too fast, I won't be able to finish.  So I was taking my time, just enjoying my run (because 2 miles feels so easy now!), and all of a sudden it was done and my pace was 12:17!  What the what?  Apparently RunKeeper has been telling the truth!  I told Jason to watch out because I'm going to kick his ass at our FreezeFest 5k. (Which isn't actually going to happen, I just like to talk about it.  Because a) Why waste energy on running when there are canyons nearby?  b) I don't want a super athlete like Jason seeing me run.  It was embarrassing enough running with Joe!  c) I think there will be hills in Utah!)  Anyway, the point is that I actually don't mind the cold.  Seriously, what has come over me?  I feel like Derek Zoolander:

Running Shoes

I FINALLY got my new running shoes today.

By the time I got home after stopping at UPS, I hardly had any time to run.  (Unless I wanted to be super late to small group a second week in a row.)  But I was dying to try them out, and I did have 15 minutes- just enough time for me to run a mile.

Actually, it was more than enough time, because today my mile only took 12:30!

Okay, I know this is still super slow by most standards.  I probably could have pushed myself harder.  BUT, I actually felt like I could keep up that pace a little longer than the mile, so that was a good sign.  

AND... ZOMG (as Kristin would say), running shoes are amazing.  

My feet felt so light.  And my arch did not hurt at all.  My knees are not achy.  Yes, it was only a mile, but both of those things were bothering me after a mile of running the other day.

And this is with cheap running shoes!  I can't imagine what really nice ones would feel like.  Running is just like hiking... have the right apparel makes a world of difference.

I owe Nina a thank you for being a huge pain in my ass about this.  This was a much better choice than putting the money towards an unpaid parking ticket from June.   

So, within the next few days, I will be starting the half marathon training.  I'm back to feeling like I can do this!

Bad Week

This was not a good week.

After the 10k on Saturday, my arch was killing me and my knees were achy (but only when I wear heels or am going down stairs).  I gave myself two days off, then did a two mile run on Tuesday.  No good.  I had wanted to do three miles, but stopped early because my arch was bothering me.

My knees continued to be achy.  I gave myself another few days off.  I've been busy, and I figured I should wait till I get my new shoes.  

Today I set RunKeeper for 3 miles, but only did 2.  Ugh.  I feel so awful about myself when I don't reach my goals.  In my head, today was going to be one of those days where I'd set the bar low, and then do something crazy like 7 miles.  I feel like such a failure for not doing that.  

The tricky part was that I knew I could do more if I really wanted to.  But my knees were achy during the run, and my arch started hurting less than a mile in.  And I wondered, how do you know when to push through pain or when to stop?  It seemed like a good idea to stop, because I don't want to mess up my arch long term.  

Being the dramatic person that I am, I was ready to cry when I got home.  I was telling myself that I suck at running, that I'm just not meant to do this, that it was crazy to even THINK I could be a runner, and thank God I didn't give into the impulse to sign up for that half marathon.  

I texted Jason to ask about when to push through the pain and when to stop.  After hearing what my problems are, he said, "You need to rest and take it easy, then... you have come a long way in a short amount of time.  The rest will allow your body to keep up!"

And just like that, I felt better.  

I don't think Jason knows how much his encouragement means to me.  Getting a "hell yeah!" text from him is what kept me going back when I first started this.  Hearing him say that I've come a long way made me pause my negative thinking.

 Last week, after the 10k, Nina told pretty much every random person we talked to, "This girl just started running a few months ago and just ran the whole 10k!"  Like it was an accomplishment.  (Isn't she a sweetheart?)  It doesn't feel like a big deal, but it really was pretty recent that I couldn't even run for 5 whole minutes.  

So.  

I'll get my new shoes tomorrow.  I am still going to do the half marathon training.  But rather than skip ahead (like I did with the 10k), I'm going to start at Week 1.  And be patient and follow the plan.   

I had a bad week.  It's not the end of the world.  

Running Kind of Makes You an Asshole...

When I started running, I didn't realize it was going to take up so much time!  

Actually, that was one of the selling points when I started running- I thought it wouldn't take a lot of time.  The Couch to 5k program starts off with 5 minute warm up and cool down walks and 20 minutes of running/walking.  I, of course, skipped the beginning and end and just did the 20 minutes.  And it worked, because I'd tell myself, "It's only 20 minutes of your day.  You have NO excuse to skip this."  

But then I started running further.  But not faster.  

I still run 15 minute miles when I'm just out in my neighborhood.  So that crazy 7 mile run I managed took me 1:45.  And, now that I'm running longer distances, I do walk a few blocks as a warm up and cool down.  And then, of course, when I get home I have to shower, and do my hair if I have plans afterwards.  And if it was a long run, I do yoga afterwards so I won't be sore the next day.  So the whole process ends up taking hours!  Multiple days a week!

It's especially hard on weeknights, when I often have plans.  I race home from work and try to get a run in, but that usually means I'm late to wherever I'm going.  I was a half hour late to small group this week... But it was either that or not shower.  My leader affirmed my decision to shower.  

So I'm always late, or sometimes I even turn down plans, because somehow, running has become the priority.  (I woke up feeling really sick this morning, and my first thought was "Noooo, I have to run in my new shoes this weekend!!")  I think I mentioned the guy I went out with a few times who I actually kind of liked, but our schedules were really complicated, and I blew him off twice because running was more important.  Clearly that was not a relationship that was going anywhere, but still... choosing running over a date is kind of crazy.  

Even my Friday and Saturday nights have been impacted.  Nighttime is my favorite time to run, and I don't have time for my long runs during the week.  So, every weekend for the past few months, one of those nights each weekend has been devoted to running.  I do my long run, and then I come home and do yoga in the dark while listening to Mumford and Sons.  It's amazing.  

I just started half marathon training, so the time I'm going to spend running just keeps increasing.  And, since it's getting cold, I have to pay attention to the weather to plan my running days in advance.  Training is a huge time investment!

So friends, I'd just like to apologize for being an asshole.  I love you, but right now, I have to run.  

Journey to a 10k

After each workout, Runkeeper asks, "How'd it go?"  Here are my answers over the past few months:

August 16 (Two weeks in)
1.35 miles
"Less air sucking.  But I still hate it."

August 18
1.39 miles
"OMG.  Hills."

August 21
1.41 miles
"Almost didn't make it."  

August 27
1.47 miles
"OMG, I jogged for 3 minutes."

August 28
1.63 miles
"I am a snail."

August 29
1.52 miles
"I'm never gonna be able to do 5 whole minutes..."

September 1
1.50 miles
"Did one 4 minute interval... Honestly don't see how 5 minutes is going to happen"

September 10
1.46 miles
"First time I ran over a mile"

September 17
1.43 miles
"Fine"

September 26
2.41 miles
"Amazing :)"

October 6 (First run after strep)
1.5 miles 
"I quit."

October 8
1.27 miles
"I suck."

October 9
1.55 miles
"Slow, but not too awful"

October 10
1.73 miles
"Could've gone all night"

October 11
3.31 miles
"I did it."

October 13
4.00 miles
"O.M.G."

October 21
4.03 miles
"Hell to the yeah."

October 23
3.18 miles
"I'm a turtle."

October 26
3.10 miles
"Joe"

November 2
7.04 miles
"OMG. Disney Princess, here I come!!!"

November 6
6.04 miles
"10k this weekend?  Bring it!"

November 10 (10k)
6.33 miles
"Hell yeah!!!"

Running Playlist

Current favorite songs to run to:

"Thrift Shop" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" by Taylor Swift

"Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO

"Shake It Out" by Florence and the Machines

"Jimmy Iovine" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

"Midnight Hour" by Talib Kweli

"Tangerine" by Big Boi, T.I., & Khujo Goodie (I totally rocked out to this song during the 10k)

"Troublemaker" by Weezer

"Howlin' For You" by The Black Keys

"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

"Red Alert" by Basement Jaxx

"Some Nights" by Fun.

"Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons

"Song 2" by blur

"I Will Wait" by Mumford and Sons

"Lonely Boy" by The Black Keys

"The New Workout Plan" by Kanye West

"Hypnotize" by Notorious B.I.G.

"Build Me Up" by Rhymefest

New Shoes

My arch is f-ed.

I knew it was just a matter of time before stuff started to go wrong.  I'm overweight, I walk with my feet pointed in, and my feet are kind of flat.  A few hours after the race yesterday, my left arch started hurting really badly.  By this morning, I was limping.  

My friend Margaret is a physical therapist, so I asked her advice.  She gave me a few suggestions but said that 90% of the problem is probably my shoes.  This was really discouraging, considering my financial situation.  But Margaret suggested I use the Runner's World website to find out what type of shoes I need, then try to find something similar on Zappos for cheaper.  She also advised that I stay away from Nikes and Pumas.  I was happy to avoid Pumas after reading the following description:

"This Clydesdale special pours on the cushioning, especially in the heel, making it more than capable of handling the heavy footfalls of larger runners. "

Seriously?  Puma just called me a Clydesdale?  

I ended up purchasing these Avias:

They were only $45, and it sounds like they have the kind of support I need.  I know they're probably not ideal, but hopefully they'll do for now.  I can't wait for them to get here!  My arch should have enough time to recover while I wait, and then I'm going for 8 miles!

Chicago's Perfect 10 10k

This race was a tough one.  As soon as I crossed the start line, people were flying by me and I thought, "Oh wow, I'm with the big kids now."  Very different atmosphere from the Hot Chocolate 5k; these people were serious runners.  I reminded myself that this was Erin's race and forced myself to go slow.  

Just a few minutes into the race, two things happened that I'm always scared of:

1. My Runkeeper app got messed up and claimed I was running 8 minute miles.

2. I realized this was not a good running day.

The Runkeeper thing wasn't that big of a deal, because the time was still accurate, so I knew how long I'd been running and how much longer I had to go.  But I was freaking out about the second one.  Sometimes, I go out and run and after a few miles, I feel like I can just go forever.  This wasn't the case today.  I was struggling.

But that's when determination and stubborness kick in, and I thought, "I am NOT going to have to tell people I walked."  Shame is a good motivator for me, as I discovered on my trip this summer.  ("Do you seriously want to tell people that you spent a lazy day reading when you are at f-ing Yosemite National Park?  Get off your ass and hike 10 miles!!")  I knew that if I had to walk at all, I would consider this race a fail.  So I gave myself a lot of pep talks, tried to think about other things, and kept going.  

I almost passed out around Mile 5, but I finished strong and even ran faster through the finish line.  After I finished, a man came up to me and said, "Excuse me, but I just have to thank you.  You really helped me get through that race.  You paced me, and you kept me motivated to keep running and not walk at all."  

I was like, "Oh my gosh, you just made my day!  Can I hug you right now even though I'm disgusting?"  It was really sweet of him to tell me that!  I hadn't even noticed him during the race; I was so focused on doing my own thing.  

Nina and her friend Robin finished about 10 minutes later.  (They did 10 miles instead of the 10k.)  Nina was glad to see me; she knew right away that meant I'd run faster than I'd planned.  And I did!  My pace on this run was 13:05!  I know that's not good compared to what most people run, but I was happy with it.  

I was also happy that Nina did the 10 miles and didn't run with me.  As all of our friends know, Nina and I sometimes make each other absolutely crazy.  I mean it when I say I love her like a sister; we'd do anything in the world for each other, and after all we've been through, we'll be friends for life.  But we seriously get on each other's nerves sometimes.  After she started her second lecture of the morning (before the race even started!) on how I need real running shoes, I snapped.  I told her I couldn't afford them and could she please stop bringing it up?  And then she wanted to argue with me about my finances and how I really COULD afford them.  It's true, I could.  But that would mean taking money out of my Freeze Fest savings, and canyoneering will always be the priority.  Anyway, we definitely got pissy with each other, so it was good we didn't run together.  She would've started every sentence with "You should" and I would eventually say, "YOU should stop talking or I'm going to push you into the lake!"  

But I really do love Nina.  She's just trying to be helpful.  And it was so nice of her to do this with me today.  

Anyway, we had a lovely brunch at LuxBar, and then I came home and contemplated the 15k I want to do next weekend...

Apparently I've lost my mind...

... because I am doing a 10k tomorrow.  Three miles I could handle.  But six?  That's pushing it.  The most I've done is seven miles last Friday night.  I did six miles again on Monday just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, and then just two miles last night.  I hope I'm ready for this!!!

Before the race last week, I said I was never ever ever ever doing this again.  Ever.  Two days later, I signed up for this 10k.  Why?  I have a few reasons:

1. Jason once told me that I freak out in the canyons more than anyone he's ever seen.  But he said what makes me a badass is that I'll still do whatever he throws at me.  (And those assholes like to downclimb things that should be rappelled, so I end up doing some pretty crazy stuff.)  I just feel like it would be kind of badass to do a 5k one weekend and a 10k the next.  Especially when it's something that scares me and I'm new at. 

2. I felt guilty celebrating a 5k when I knew I could do more. 

3. It will be fun to surprise Kristin, Jason, and Joe.  Jason and Kristin will be proud of me, and Joe made the mistake of saying he's got me figured out... He's not going to see this coming.  

4. The 5k was actually kind of fun; I liked the feeling of crossing the finish line.

5.  I want the shirt.  I need more technical shirts.

6.  Joe said something that really stuck with me.  I told him about my 7 mile run and that I thought it was a fluke.  He said no, distance is never a fluke.  Speed, sometimes.  But distance happens because you train for it.  So I'm trying to be confident in my training- I know I can run 6 miles.

I had to pick up my packet tonight at a new running store.  I felt so awkward there; I definitely didn't belong.  I had to buy some Gu, and the clerk really wanted to set up a "Runner's Profile" for me in their computer.  "I'm not a runner," was my automatic response.  And then I thought, "you dork, you just picked up your packet for a 10k... even if you're super slow, that probably still qualifies you as a runner."  Either way, I was not interested in setting up a profile just to buy Gu.  I probably won't go back to this place.  And this guy seemed really perturbed that I would not set up a profile with them.  

A few thoughts the night before the race:

Why can't more races be at night?  I think one of the things that sucks the most about this whole ordeal is trying to make yourself go to bed unnaturally early and giving up a day of sleeping in.  

I have to take the bus alone tomorrow for the first time.  Aaahh!!!

The shirt they gave me is going to be too tight.  I can tell just by looking at it.  (I don't want to put it on until after I run the race.)  They probably didn't plan on runners being fatties.  I could probably be a lot faster if I got rid of 20 pounds... Diet starts again on Monday.  

A Thousand Little Kindnesses/ Hot Chocolate 5k

I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am in the area of friends.  Joe ran my first race with me today, and I had a really positive experience because of him.  He showed kindness in a thousand little ways, and when you put it all together, it's kind of a big deal.  Here's how it all went down:

Pre-Race: Registration fills up before Joe can register.  He puts an ad on Craigslist, and, at the last minute, is able to purchase someone's race bib.  He figures out all the arrangements, like where and what time to meet, how we're getting there, etc.  He meets me at 5:45 a.m. on a night when he could've gotten an extra hour of sleep.  I tell him I'm nervous about running early in the morning; I always run at night.

"How'd you sleep last night?" he asks.

"Terrible."

"Then it should feel like it's really late at night." 

Gear check: I don't have a bag to put my coat in.  I didn't know you needed a bag!  Joe takes care of it.  

Bib: I don't know where to put it.  Joe pins it on my pants for me.

Getting there/finding things: Joe takes care of it.  

Temperature: According to The F-ing Weather.com, it is in the upper 30's.  As we wait for over an hour to get to the start line, Joe insists that I wear his gloves.  After Mile 1, when I take off my long-sleeved shirt, Joe insists on carrying it for me.

Waiting to get to the start line: I clutch my Fearless necklace and try to get in a good mindset.  It's easier than I think it will be; Joe exudes an aura of calm. I'm not having trouble breathing and I no longer feel nauseous.

Pace: About 5 minutes in, Joe asks how I'm feeling about the pace.  "I don't know!  There's too many people... I can't tell!"  I think he hears the hint of hysteria in my voice.  We pass Mile 1, and I notice that my Runkeeper app is slightly off- it doesn't think we've gone a mile yet.  I ask Joe about our pace.  He checks his watch.  "You are within... 10 seconds of where you want to be," he replies.  

"That's weird.  Runkeeper thinks I'm going faster."

"You know, it's probably not getting a good signal," Joe says, gesturing to our surroundings.  (We're on Lower Wacker at this point.)  I'm skeptical because I feel like I'm going faster than usual, but everything's all crazy because I'm surrounded by people and my toes are numb and I'm just trying not to freak out, so maybe this IS my usual pace.  I decide not to worry about it; I trust Joe.  And I finish the race 5 minutes faster than I normally would.  Instead of 15 minute miles, my average pace was a little over 13 min/mile.  That stinker.  But I was obviously right to trust him; he knows when I need to be lied to.  I am blessed with a handful of close friends who know exactly how to "handle" me; Joe is apparently one of them.  

Conversation: When Joe ran with me last week, he talked about shaving for 35 minutes.  It was exactly what I needed to get through a long run.  This morning, he tells me he's prepared to discuss coffee- another conversation topic that requires no contributions from me.  I can't believe he's actually planned this!  But when the race starts, I am focused on listening to my music and not freaking out.  He seems to sense this and doesn't attempt conversation.

Finish Line: Joe takes this video.

Here's a link if the video doesn't work: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TIcq6_9E1Q

 I run faster through the last few yards to the finish line.  Joe lets me finish ahead of him.  "You beat me!" he says on the other side.  

Post-race: I'm chattering on about canyoneering.  (I really need to stop this... I'm like Howard on Big Bang Theory who won't stop talking about being an astronaut.)  Anyway, I pause and Joe jumps in:

"Erin, what are you talking about right now?"

"Um, canyoneering."

"And that's something that makes you happy, right?  Something you'd want to talk about when you're happy?"  

"Umm..." I'm starting to see where this is going.

"That huge grin on your face would indicate that you are, in fact, happy right now, correct?"

"I guess..."

"Just wanted you to be aware of that."  

Yes, Joe.  I was happy when I finished the race.  But who knows, maybe I was just happy to be done?  Plus, I'm always happy when I finish running.

General observations about the race:

• It went by much faster than I thought.  I was shocked when we got to Mile 1.  That's when I started to think this might be okay.  
• Running 7 miles on Friday night was a really good idea... it made me much more confident that I could do 3 miles today.
• Crossing the finish line felt good.  Really, really good.  
• I finally get what either Jason or Joe was saying about why it's good to run a race.  Yes, I knew I could run 3 miles on my own.  But being able to do it on demand in that environment gives you a different sense of accomplishment.  It's like proving that yes, I can do this anytime, anywhere. 

If I'd been by myself, it would've been okay.  I would've gotten through it.  But Joe being there, and all his small kindnesses, made it something I actually enjoyed.  

Joe said his goal was for me to finish with a smile on my face, and clearly, I did.  That smile may have changed my future.  Going into the race, I said I was never ever ever ever doing another race.  Ever.  Joe told me not to say that again until I'd finished the race and settled down a little.  Now, after such a great experience, I may change my mind.

I don't jog. I run.

Sorry for all the running posts.  That's mostly what I have going on right now and takes up most of my thinking.  I know I think about it too much, because I met this guy, and he was cool and everything, and I liked him, but our schedules were really hard to coordinate, and I blew him off a couple of times to run, and that's when I knew I shouldn't see him again...

Today I was supposed to go for a run with Nina.  I asked her to run with me because I've never run with anyone before, and I'm having all this anxiety over running with Joe, so I thought Nina could help.  And then I realized today that I was even nervous to run with her.  What the heck??  And I thought about running a 5k at Freeze Fest with Jason like we'd talked about, and realized I don't want to run with him, either.  I don't want to run with anyone.  Part of it is embarrassment, part of it is guilt that they'll have to run super slow with me, and the other part of it is something irrational I haven't figured out yet.

So I texted Nina:

"Aaaahh!!  Nina, I'm nervous to run with you!  What's wrong with me?  We've been friends for 15 years!!!"

"You are insane.  You need professional help, that's all I can come up with."

(A few hours later)

"Hey, I'm actually thinking we should skip the run, together at least.  I'm almost home and it's about to rain... I should just run now, and we can do dinner later."

"I think you are just trying to get out of running with me..."

"Hey, I'm just trying to save you from a cold, rainy run... Check the radar..."

I immediately felt guilty for attempting to be manipulative, so I asked Nina how she felt about running in the rain.  If she didn't mind, I would've followed through.  Luckily, she admitted that she hates it, so I didn't feel guilty going without her.  I had a lovely run, although it did pour for the last 5 minutes, so I went out just in time.

When I met Nina for dinner, she asked me about the anxiety, and it all came pouring out.  Her reactions were entertaining.  At one point, she just buried her head in her hands.  Occasionally I wonder if I should be concerned that, when I'm completely honest about what's going on inside my head, this is a common reaction.  That, or I've been told I give people headaches.

Nina tried to make sense of the anxiety, but when you have an actual anxiety disorder, there is no logic.  That is the unfunny part of this.

But there was definitely a lot of laughing about the things I worry about (my clothes, blowing my nose, slight inclines, my music, the temperature, the time of day...).  Nina commented that, for most people, running is therapy.  But for me, running is going to cause me to need therapy.  "I feel like you're the only person I know who running is emotionally bad for," she said.  "How do you carry around that much stress???  Did it replace something else?  Or did you just add that to the other things you stress about?"  (The answer is it did not replace anything.)

The topic changed to what it's like to run with other people.  Specifically, how much conversation is typical, and if it's okay for me to listen to music while running with Joe.  I told Nina I can't talk while I'm running because it will mess up my breathing.  Somehow this led to the fact that I breathe through my nose the whole time I run, and apparently this makes me a big weirdo.

Nina just couldn't even understand how it was possible.  I texted Jason:

"Okay, need you to settle a debate: mouth breathing while running- is it a necessity?"

"Yes, most of the time"

"Seriously???"

"If you nose breathe all the time, you are jogging."

"Well, you said slow..."

"That's good for right now.  Be patient."

So, I knew I wasn't ACTUALLY running.  I knew I was jogging.  I guess I should be more careful to make that distinction, though, so people don't think I'm actually a runner.

Hi, I'm Erin.  I like Mumford and Sons, making crafts from Pinterest, and jogging.

Jogging sounds so lame.  But it's true.

Knowing that I jog like a total freak has caused even more anxiety about jogging with Joe.  I said to Nina, "This is so bad... he's going to find out how much I'm freaking out, and then he'll think I'm a total nutcase."

"Erin... don't you think Joe has gotten at least a glimpse of your craziness?"

If life were a sitcom, this is where a montage of moments would flash through my head.

Point taken.  Joe definitely knows that I have issues.

I just want this race to be over.  I never should have signed up.  Stupid "Fearless" resolution...

Superhot Triathlete Neighbor

We met when I stole his copy of Outside Magazine.  It was laying on the floor by the mailboxes, and I assumed it was for me.  Rich Rudow (canyoneering hero!) was on the cover.  When I picked it up, I did see that it wasn't for me, but canyoneering is an addiction, and addicts will do anything for a fix.  So I figured I'd just borrow the magazine and put it back later, and he'd never know it was gone.

A few days later, I ran into a ridiculously super hot guy by the mailboxes.  He introduced himself, and I was like, "Oh, I have your magazine!"  I retrieved the magazine, explaining that I thought it was for me.  "I do this," I said, flipping to one of the canyoneering pictures.

"Really???"  He wanted to know more.  And I am always eager to talk about canyoneering.  We had a lengthy conversation.

I've run into him a few times since then.  He always asks about the canyoneering and wanted to hear all about my trip this summer.  One time, I ran into him on my way out for a run.  "You run?"  he asked.  "We should go for a run together."

"Well, I JUST started..." I said.  "I'm super slow and can't go far."

"Oh, don't worry about that!" he insisted.  "I did the triathlon this weekend, and I really need to work on pacing myself during the run.  If you're new to running, you could help me with that."

"Um, I don't think you understand... I really can't run for long..."

"No, it's fine!  Even if it's just like, 10 minutes at a time, I don't mind."

Oh boy.  10 minutes?  My goal for that day was 5 minute intervals, and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to do it.

I can't remember what I said, but I politely blew him off.  Haven't seen much of him since.

Then, the other day, in a moment of insanity/runner's high, I had the idea that I should put a note on his door that said, "I'm up to 4 miles.  Let's run." with my phone number.  And I actually did it, yesterday morning.

This afternoon I ran into him by the mailboxes.  Since he hadn't texted me, I assumed he wasn't interested.

I think I assumed wrong.

If he wasn't interested, I think he would've been in a hurry.  But he lingered, wanting to hear all about the running I've been doing, talking about the 5k it took him 23 whole minutes to do because he's been bad about running lately, so it would be great for us to run together and get him back on track.

And during this whole conversation, I am freaking out in my head.  Because:

1.  I look AWFUL today.  I forgot to put in my hoop earrings this morning and felt like it was an omen for how the day would go.  And it was.  It was a terrible day, and I was so tired, and my principal even said, "Wow, you look TIRED!  I've never seen Erin tired before!!" which is really like saying, "You look terrible today!  No amount of makeup can disguise those puffy eyes!"  And my hair was just in a blah ponytail, and I even thought as I parked my car, "Please don't let me run into Superhot Triathlete Neighbor," so of course I did.

2.  23 minutes is a slow 5k for him?  It takes me almost twice that time.  Nope, nevermind, don't want to run with him.

3. Every time I see him, I'm like, "OMG, I forgot he was SO superhot," and start thinking about how he's out of my league and what am I doing???  (When Nancy was here on Saturday, we saw him getting out of his car, and she can confirm his superhotness, even from a distance.)

Luckily, it sounds like it would be difficult to coordinate our schedules; he coaches swimming at night when I run.  He's on his way out when I'm on my way in.  Oh, darn.

I'm not saying I never want to run with him, I'm just saying I think I need more time to get a little better.  I'm nervous enough about running with Joe in this 5k!

I do hope I see Superhot Triathlete Neighbor soon.  He would be a good distraction from the other guy I can't stop thinking about...

Running Update

I'm still up in the air about this Hot Chocolate race I'm supposed to be running.  

The other day I finally sat down and journaled about it all, trying to figure out why this whole running thing has me so emo.  

Like I said, I have never done anything athletic.  Not even as a kid.  No soccer or tee ball... nothing.  Because I sucked, even back then.  

Elementary school P.E. was a traumatic experience.  We had this teacher who only liked the popular kids, and all we did was run or play soccer.  He always seemed to do activities that put the spotlight on individuals, which for me, meant constant embarrassment.  (Thinking about those games of "line soccer" still makes me nauseous.)  When we had fitness testing, sometimes he'd make us do things like pull-ups in front of the whole class. 

It was bad enough that, on nights before P.E., I would cry and beg my parents to not make me go to school.  True story.  And this lasted for several years.  

In elementary school, most kids try hard.  But in middle school or high school, it's socially acceptable to not care.  And that is how I made it through my entire school career without ever running a whole mile.  I stopped trying after like, 4th grade.  

Long story short, I got pregnant, destroyed my body, continued to gain weight, and finally lost weight. 

But despite my weight loss, my aversion to running continued.  I always said it was something I'd never do.  I moved to Phoenix and my love of hiking took off, the first athletic thing I'd ever really enjoyed.  But what I liked about hiking was that it didn't feel like a workout; there was beauty and adventure involved, and I just happened to be burning calories.  

Of course, the canyoneering evolved from the hiking, and when I got back from my trip this summer, I knew I had to do something to build my endurance and stay in shape for the canyons.  I couldn't afford the gym, and there's a huge park across the street.  I looked up the Couch to 5k program and saw that it was only a 20 minute time investment, and Day 1 only had me running for 60 seconds and a time.  I was still on a "fearless" high from my 8 weeks on the road.  So, despite all the emotional baggage attached to running, I walked out my front door and just tried it.  

I have a love/hate relationship with running.  Obviously, there's something I love about it that keeps me going.  And it's not just the "hell yeah!" I get from Jason when I achieve a new milestone; there's an intrinsic desire to do better and continually push myself.  

However, it is a constant struggle to not compare myself to others.  Because I KNOW that it's harder for me than it is for other people.  I know that sounds whiney, and I'm not trying to make excuses.  But it's true.  I'm not built for it.  It doesn't come naturally to me.  

But I've been doing pretty well with this.   Jason keeps telling me long and slow, like fast is even an option.  I'll never be fast.  And honestly, that is completely okay with me.  I am still in awe of the fact that I can run a whole mile.  MORE than a whole mile now.  Doesn't matter how long it takes me to get there.  After 30 years of not even being able to run for one minute, almost every run feels like a major accomplishment.  

I don't need to run a race to feel this accomplishment.  I don't need anyone to witness it.  I don't need to compete against other people.  Competing against myself has worked just fine.  I am afraid that, if I run this race, I will feel like my elementary school self again, seeing how awesome everyone around me is and how much I suck.  Deciding that I shouldn't even bother to try, because I'm tired of being embarrassed and looking stupid.  Watching other people treat the 5k like a fun-filled, effortless way to spend a Sunday morning while I am fighting with everything I've got to make it to the finish line.  All the insecurities and emotion will come rushing back, and I'll be done with running.

The funny thing is that being successful at this 5k would also upset me.  I'm pretty sure I'll be able to run the whole thing.  And when I finish, I will be SO proud of myself.  Because I know my past, and I know what a big deal it is.  But then I'll start thinking about how a 5k is NOT a big deal, it is NOTHING compared to a marathon, and I will be SO embarrassed for being proud of myself.  

At this point, every run is a fight; every run induces anxiety.  When I start out, I am never sure what the outcome will be. I am afraid that all the other successful runs were flukes, that I somehow just got lucky all the other times, and this time, my usual self will be back and I won't even be able to run for five minutes.  For me, there is so much anxiety that surrounds running, and such a fear of failure...

So I'm still up in the air about this race.  And if I do decide to do it, I think this will be the one and only.

I wonder if I could talk Joe into just going for a run with me that morning, then going out for hot chocolate afterwards.  I bet I could go further than 5k, AND there's a place in my neighborhood with Vosges hot chocolate...

ENFP Strikes Again

My former small group leader was a psychology major and had us all take theMeyers-Briggs Personality Test.  It was actually a really valuable experience.  Reading about my friends' personality types helped me understand how they function and how to relate to them better.

Most of what I read about ENFP's seemed to fit my personality.  The part that stuck out the most was my inability to follow through.  The description warns that I get very excited over new projects, but often don't finish.  Looking around my living room, I see three things that prove this: 15 half-finished Christmas ornaments laying on the coffee table, a half-finished cross-stitch (I got bored with the ornaments and needed a break), and two pictures hanging on the wall with a big gap in the middle because I never got around to ordering the third print.  Oh wait, there are four things... I got curtains for my window, and I had trouble screwing in the thingies that hold them back, but I got frustrated  and figured I'd just leave them uneven for a few hours.  That was 6 weeks ago.

Something I read said that it's about the challenge, that once ENFP's figure out they can do something, they're over it.  For example, when I go rock climbing, I rarely make it all the way to the top.  I get close, see what I need to do to finish it, and say, "Eh, I'm over this."

I'm worried running is going to be the same way.  What kept me going for the past 6 weeks was the question of whether or not I could do it.  When I had to jump from a 5 minute run to a 20 minute run, I was terrified.  It was anxiety and determination that got me out there every day.  But now, I'm running 25 minutes every time I run.  I even skipped a week in the Couch to 5k program (which Nina said NOT to do, so I hope I don't regret it!) because it seemed too easy.  It's not that running has become too easy; I'm still super slow and struggle with the 25 minutes.  But now I know that I CAN do it; I have no doubt that I'll be able to run a 5k eventually.  So all of a sudden it's not interesting anymore, just one more chore.  The past couple days, I've had a really difficult time getting myself out there.

I hope I can stay strong and follow through with this.

I also registered for my first 5k.  I am super nervous.  Everything people tell me just scares me more!  Like tonight Margaret was trying to reassure me that I wouldn't be the last to finish (something I worry about a lot).  She told me that lots of people walk the whole thing together.  In fact, a lot of people link arms and walk, making it difficult for runners to get by.  So now I'm worried about that.  There are no obstacles on my neighborhood runs!

So now I don't know if:

1. I am motivated enough to keep running.

2.  I am brave enough to run this race.

I need to suck it up and get on Pinterest and look at all the inspirational running stuff.  

Accountability and a Milestone

I started running the day after I got back from my trip.

I had no desire to be a runner.  My only thought was staying in shape for Freeze Fest.  I can't afford the gym, but there is a huge park across the street with lots of paths.  Running seemed logical.  Plus I wanted to be able to run with Jason.  

I started the Couch to 5k program and kept it quiet, except for Jason and Kristin.  They know all my strengths and weaknesses.  With anyone else, I'd be embarrassed to celebrate 90 seconds of running, but they don't judge, just encourage.  I love getting the "Hell yeah!!!" texts from Jason.  

A week or two later, Jen and Paula started the same program.  I was excited to have more non-judgmental friends to talk about this with.

Within about the past week, I've started talking to more and more people.  And now this whole running thing is out of control.  

The hot triathlete upstairs wants to go running with me.  

Nina wants me to go for a 20 mile run on the Chicago river.

Joe wants to run a 5k with me.

Margaret is bringing me Runner's World magazines and talking about wearing the right shoes (I do not own running shoes) and cute outfits.  

Lisa and Sarah and Ann are trying to get me to sign up for some other races.

And all of a sudden it's this big thing, and there's all this pressure.  

I still don't want to be a runner.  I don't care if I ever run in a race.  My goals are still the same- run with Jason and have better endurance in the canyons.  

I want to go back into hiding and pretend this never happened.  I'm afraid that I'll get to a point where the program gets too hard, or I just want to give up or get tired of it, and I'll look like a huge failure to everyone.  

But there is some humor in the situation.  I realized today that I have a ridiculous number of accountability partners.  

Stacey and Emily are in my small group, and we all had the same goal of setting aside time each day to spend with God.  Leisa describes it as "date night with God."  So the three of us have been checking in with each other about that.  

I was talking to Paula yesterday and told her about a run last week where I almost passed out and realized it was probably because I hadn't had any water all day.  Paula, who is into whole foods and healthy eating, promised to hold me accountable for drinking more water.

Kristin took it upon herself to hold me accountable for doing push-ups.  (I didn't even ask for this one!!!)  She also does things like make me list three things I like about my body if I say something negative.

And now, Joe has jumped on the accountability bandwagon and is asking me about my running.

Today, when I texted Paula to jokingly complain about Joe's tough love, her response was, "Haha... Did you drink some water?"

Very funny.

As much as I would rather just fly under the radar, I have to admit I feel lucky to have so many people in my life who care about me and encourage me.  

And, I have exciting news.  

This week the program jumps from 5 minute intervals to 8 minutes to 20 minutes.  I laughed out loud at that one.  

Yesterday, I did the 5 minute intervals with no problem.

Today, I thought I *might* be able to do the 8 minutes.  I totally rocked it.  

After coming home and hanging out for a while, I couldn't stop thinking about those 20 minutes.  Joe is insisting that I text him on Wednesday to let him know how the 20 minute run goes.  He is being super sweet about it; I didn't want to check in with him until I was able to do it, and he said he'd consider anything over my longest time so far a success.  But still.  He is a triathlete.  I am embarrassed that he knew that 5 minutes was a victory for me and was starting to have even more anxiety about the 20 minutes.  

So I decided to try and get in a few more runs before Wednesday.  Tonight I thought I'd just try to run for 10 minutes and see how it went.  10 turned into 12, then 15, then I finally stopped at a little over 18 minutes.  If I can do 18 today, I can do 20 tomorrow.  I won't have to tell Joe that I suck and couldn't do it.

AND, that means that tonight, I ran over a mile for the first time in my whole life.  

I used to hate the days we'd run the mile in P.E. It was so traumatic.  I have been slow and awkward my whole life, even when I was thin.  After a few years, I stopped trying and adopted this flippant attitude where I refused to run at all.  I would say that I don't run unless it's from the cops.

So tonight was a huge victory for me.  Something I never thought I could do.  I am feeling pretty amazing right now.  I know one mile really isn't that big of a deal, but I'm going to give myself this one night of being proud of it before getting back to work tomorrow.