It's all in your head.

I think the most difficult part of running is the mental part.

Sure, the beginning was hard, when I was sucking air and trying to get my body used to something it had never done before. But mentally, it was easy because every run was a new accomplishment; every day I did something I’d never done before, and it was such a high.

But then, after that first race, you’re just… a runner. Every run is not a big deal. They start to blur together, and the mental challenge becomes just getting yourself out the door and finding your motivation.

And now, I’m training for this 10 mile race, which feels audacious. After 10 months of running, every run still feels audacious. Like, who do I think I am to even try to accomplish this? There is so much anxiety in me during those first few steps I take. I have no idea how each run is going to go or if I’m going to make it.

I have found that 4 miles is a magic number for me. Once I make it past 4 miles, the anxiety goes away and my mind starts to wander to things other than running. In fact, on my 8 mile run the other day, I almost ran into traffic because I was lost in my own world.

But I digress. The point is, there is still this fear in me that I can’t do it. That all of my successful runs were just anomalies. And every once in a while, I’ll have a really bad run that reinforces this belief.

A few weeks ago, my sinuses were really bothering me. I breathe through my nose when I run, so this caused some problems. I made it 3 miles on one run and almost passed out. I was literally seeing spots, and it felt like all the blood was rushing to my head. When I got home, it took over an hour for my color to return back to normal. I think I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

I wasn’t too upset. I had still finished my run as scheduled, and I knew why it was so hard. No big deal.

But then Saturday came around, and I had to do 7 miles for my long run. I made it 2. Same problem as before, but this time I didn’t push myself any further; I listened to my body.

I was incredibly discouraged. I felt like crying. I was frustrated with my body and worried that this meant I’m not really a runner and wouldn’t be ready for the race. But as I was walking home in total shame, I thought, “This is the true test. The obstacle I need to overcome isn’t distance; it’s my attitude. I need to stop being so hard on myself, realize that there are going to be bad days, and try again tomorrow.”

So I did. And I only made it two miles the next day, too.

Oh man, was it hard to not give in to that sense of failure. I had to keep looking at my inspirational quotes on Pinterest and telling myself that things would get better, I shouldn’t give up, and the most important thing is to listen to my body and do what feels right.

Again, I told myself, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

I took a rest day, and by Tuesday, my sinuses were clearing up. I had also just made the decision to end things with Bernie, and there is no better motivation for running than heartbreak. I went out with the goal of 3 miles, but planned on going further if it felt good. I ended up doing 5.5 miles, and the only reasons for stopping were that I was super late for small group, and even though it felt good at the time, I knew I shouldn’t push myself too far.

This was such a victory for me. Not that I was able to run over 5 miles, but that I didn’t give in to the discouragement and frustration and anxiety. When I felt like this last fall, I was ready to give up and not run the 5k. This time was still difficult, but I stayed calm and just kept telling myself, “It’s not the end of the world. You’ll try again tomorrow.”

Running truly is one of the greatest emotional challenges I’ve ever taken on. And not only can I see how I’m getting better as a runner, but I can see my emotional growth, too.

The benefits of running are endless. Seriously, everyone in the world should be doing this. J

I Get to Run

When I first started running, I looked forward to it all day. I hated my life during the run, but felt so good after. Running was my priority. I was so happy.

I lost that over the winter. I stayed strong through December, and I really think running is what got me through my December depression. But the next several months were just hard! I was sick, and the weather sucked, and I just didn't feel like it.

Not running regularly was like a downward spiral. First, there was the constant guilty feeling for not running. Then I started gaining weight and have had many days where I look at myself and say, "You are too fat to leave the house." Then, when I did run, I wasn't able to go very far, and I'd tell myself over and over how much I sucked for only being able to run like, 2 miles at a time. I didn't feel good after a run; I just felt discouraged. I ran because I felt like I had to.

(And yes, I know how unhealthy this all is. My friend has already recommended a therapist to me in Phoenix.)

But I've turned a corner, and now I'm back to where I was last fall. The other day I caught myself looking at the clock, counting down the hours till I could run. I race home from work, change clothes, and am out the door again without even sitting down. The first mile always sucks, but then I'm in my own world and the time flies by. I detest rest days; I feel lazy and guilty and want to be outside. (Although, now that I think about it, I could always, you know, go for a walk or something...) Anyway, I wake up thinking, "I get to run today," and it makes me so happy.

I don't know if it's the sunshine, or the race I'm training for, or just the fact that I'm getting back to where I was before my slump, but I've fallen in love with running all over again.

P.S. My short run this week was 3 miles, and I did it almost two minutes faster than I ever have before. With a sinus infection. Hell yeah!

Amazing Running Website!!

I just found this on Pinterest and can't wait to play around with it more.

http://jog.fm/

You put in your pace, and it tells you songs that match it.

I'm not sure how accurate it is; I looked up "North Side Gal" (which is on my running playlist) and it said 8:00, and I'm obviously nowhere near that. And for the pace I put in, it recommended "Tongue Tied," which is one of my favorite hiking songs, but too slow for running.

But whatever- it looks awesome. It has tons of music ideas from all genres. My running playlist was getting a little stale, so this is just what I needed!

Soldier Field 10 Mile

Last week, my friend told me that she is doing the Soldier Field 10 Mile. I had completely forgotten about this race until she mentioned it. Last year, one of my coworkers was training for this race, and I just remember being awed by our conversations about his training. Honestly, I never even had thoughts like, "I wish I could do that," because running was never even a possibility to me. I just thought that what he was doing was so cool.

Well, here we are, a year later, and everything has changed. And my friend mentioned this race, and it actually IS a possibility. Yesterday I ran 6 miles pretty easily, and I still have four weeks till the race. I can totally do this. So I signed up this morning.

Now that I'm back up to decent mileage, I was feeling kind of directionless. This gives me structure and a goal.

I also think it will be a nice way to end my time in Chicago- on the 50-yard line of Soldier Field.

I can't wait!

A Good Week

I just realized the last time I blogged was about 6 pack abs... Of course, I do not have a 6 pack. However, I only stuck it out for three weeks... Who knows, maybe if I'd finished up the last week, I'd have a perfect 6 pack? I somehow doubt it. I was actually thinking of taking a picture of my stomach next to the cute little 6 pack calendar to submit to the Pinterest Fail blog...

I finally had a good running week. I ran 2 miles on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. I did a 5 mile hike at the dunes yesterday, so I felt good about that, too. For the first few days, 2 miles was a struggle. I was frustrated and embarrassed about this, but I knew my body would tell me when I was ready for more. On Friday's run, I had enough energy left to run as fast as I could for the last .25 mile. And today, when I hit 2 miles, I felt like I was just getting into my groove and added an extra half mile. So this week I'll up it to 3 miles each day. It's hard because I'm really struggling with motivation. Still. I'm just kind of bored.

It definitely helps that the weather is perfect for running. I love seeing people out on their bikes and the playground filled with kids. Only problem is that I can't yell out, "But a bitch ain't one!" with all these people around.

Final thought: is it bad that I felt good about myself for passing up a man in a motorized wheelchair today? To be fair, he was going pretty fast...

6 Pack Abs

Nancy asked about the 6 Pack Ab Challenge I'm doing this month, so I thought I'd share it...

One week in, and I am feeling slightly skeptical of this promise of a 6 Pack in just a few more weeks. But why not? It can't hurt.

Or can it? Actually, I found out recently that I have diastasis, which is where your abdominal muscles don't come back together after having a baby, making it very difficult to lose fat in this area. Ew. I would just like to say, I do not recommend teen pregnancy to anyone. No one warned me about stretch marks or diastasis or any of the other horrific things that happen to your body when you're pregnant. As an adult, you have friends who have been through it, and you do your research. As an 18 year-old, all I had were episodes of "A Baby Story" on TLC. No joke, when I asked my doctor if I should, you know, go to a birthing class or something, she said, "If you're going to get an epidural, watch a few episodes of A Baby Story and you'll be fine." Ha! A lot of good that did me when the anesthesiologist got stuck in heart surgery and I had a 9.5 pound baby with absolutely NOTHING for the pain!

Anyway, I digress. I actually had to look back to see what I was writing about before that rant... Sit-ups actually make diastasis worse. So I probably should be doing the therapeutic exercises that are recommended to treat it... But those are stupid and don't feel like I'm doing anything. So I'll stick with this plan and see how things are looking at the end of the month.

Trying to Find My Motivation

I went running today! I looked forward to it all day. It was brutal, but I did it.

I knew I'd pretty much be starting from scratch. The last time I went running was over two weeks ago, and it was less than 2 miles because I was getting sick. This may sound weird, but I kinda love how I've learned to listen to my body... I felt fine that day, but as soon as I started running, my body was like, "Nope, not happening, busy dealing with other stuff," and I started getting sick the next day.

Anyway, I heard Tom Skilling say something like it's snowed 28 of the past 34 days, so between that and being sick three times since New Years, running just hasn't happened. But spring is just around the corner. And I HAVE to do some training to prep for Smoky Mountain hiking.

So here's my plan. This week- four 2 miles runs just to get my body used to it again. Next week- Week 1 of half marathon training. Goal: Thelma and Louise Half Marathon in Moab, UT on June 1. If the Disney Princess can't be my first, then I want it to be the next best place- my beautiful desert. The only thing that sucks about this is that, if I'm in Utah, there's no one to run it with me. And it's women only. But I told Jason he should meet me in Moab and jump in and do a few miles with me. My super slow pace would give him ample opportunity to check out the cute runner girls, and then we could go hit some canyons afterwards.

So anyway, that's the latest with the running. I'm still bored and unmotivated, but I already feel better about life. It was a good run, except for when I realized I forgot my tissues, so I tried to blow a snot rocket and FAILED. Gross.

Oh, and I'm also doing this March Ab Challenge that has different ab exercises you do each day. I am going to look so hot by the end of this month! :)