Trying to Find My Motivation

I went running today! I looked forward to it all day. It was brutal, but I did it.

I knew I'd pretty much be starting from scratch. The last time I went running was over two weeks ago, and it was less than 2 miles because I was getting sick. This may sound weird, but I kinda love how I've learned to listen to my body... I felt fine that day, but as soon as I started running, my body was like, "Nope, not happening, busy dealing with other stuff," and I started getting sick the next day.

Anyway, I heard Tom Skilling say something like it's snowed 28 of the past 34 days, so between that and being sick three times since New Years, running just hasn't happened. But spring is just around the corner. And I HAVE to do some training to prep for Smoky Mountain hiking.

So here's my plan. This week- four 2 miles runs just to get my body used to it again. Next week- Week 1 of half marathon training. Goal: Thelma and Louise Half Marathon in Moab, UT on June 1. If the Disney Princess can't be my first, then I want it to be the next best place- my beautiful desert. The only thing that sucks about this is that, if I'm in Utah, there's no one to run it with me. And it's women only. But I told Jason he should meet me in Moab and jump in and do a few miles with me. My super slow pace would give him ample opportunity to check out the cute runner girls, and then we could go hit some canyons afterwards.

So anyway, that's the latest with the running. I'm still bored and unmotivated, but I already feel better about life. It was a good run, except for when I realized I forgot my tissues, so I tried to blow a snot rocket and FAILED. Gross.

Oh, and I'm also doing this March Ab Challenge that has different ab exercises you do each day. I am going to look so hot by the end of this month! :)

Motivation

I've been really struggling with motivation since Christmas.

Part of it is that it seems like the universe doesn't want me to run. On days when the weather is decent, there's something going on and I can't run. And on the days I could run, it's snowy or icy or windy. (Notice I am not using cold as an excuse; that doesn't bother me.)

On top of the weather, I've been sick. I was sick that week after New Year's in Phoenix. I got better, but the congestion lingered, and that turned into a sinus infection a few weeks ago. I wasn't feeing well yesterday, but I blamed it on the late night on Saturday. But I wasn't feeling great today, and as soon as I went running, I knew it was a bad idea. The first mile was rough, but that's not unusual. But after 1.5 miles, I was dizzy and not breathing right and had to stop. And sure enough, a few hours later, I feel myself getting sick. Which is totally my fault, because I didn't take the antibiotics the way I was supposed to, and then I didn't bother to finish them... Bad idea. Amanda is coming this weekend; I ain't got time to bleed.

Anyway, I'm just really discouraged and unmotivated. I barely ran for like, 3 weeks, so it took a few runs for me to get back into it. I did 4 miles on Wednesday and it felt great; I could've gone forever. But my attempt at 5 miles today was a fail, and now I'm worried that I'm getting behind in my training schedule. Plus, I'm just kind of bored. That's the problem with us ENFP's... Once we figure out we can do something, it's no longer exciting. Maybe I need a new playlist, or a change of scenery... I don't know. I'm just not in the mood to run, even when I'm healthy.

Hopefully I won't get too sick and can still fit in a few runs this week before Amanda gets here.

Spring

I smelled spring today while I was out running.

It was just the faintest whiff for the briefest moment, but it was there.

There were other signs, too- a bunny, a beautiful sunset at a later hour... The days are getting longer. And I know we've still got some winter left, but I think spring is just around the corner. (This always reminds me of the Frog and Toad books, where Toad takes this phrase literally and keeps looking for spring around corners.)

Today's run was one of those really great runs where you find your rhythm and just don't want to stop. I would've done more than 4 miles if I had the time! I think I'm finally back in the groove after my hiatus. It helps to have something to train for- I'm in Week 2 of half marathon training. I think I need that structure. Oh, and speaking of things I need, I really need some new music for my playlist! I think that's causing some of the motivation problems.

Anyway, I am excited for spring. Temps in the 40's is my favorite running weather!

Contagious

I haven't written in forever because I've been terrible about running.  I was good for a few weeks after FreezeFest, when I had my 10 mile run, but then things went downhill.  It's not because I haven't wanted to run; it just seems like the universe is conspiring against me.  I was sick, and there have been a lot of days where it's just been too icy or snowy.  I'll run in the cold (I ran in a 0 degree wind chill a few weeks ago!), but not when it's slippery. 

I wasn't too worried, because the half marathon I'm planning on running (the one at U of I in Champaign) isn't until the end of April.  But I looked at the calendar today and realized I'm two weeks behind schedule!  So training starts again this week.  I just need to find a way to get it done.  There are going to be some scheduling challenges for sure (people visiting on weekends, being gone for 1o days for spring break), but I'm going to make it happen.  I am determined to run my first half marathon by the end of the school year!

Also, I feel like a huge hypocrite.  I tend to get pretty excited about the things I love (Jesus, canyoneering, running, etc.) and I want everyone else to experience these awesome things.  So I've been trying to talk everyone into running, and I now have two coworkers starting the Couch 2 5K program.  It's so much fun to check in with them on their progress!  My friend Paula is also doing the Couch 2 5K, and this was a big week for her- the week where you all of a sudden jump to 20 minutes of running.  Like me, she was skeptical.  And I found myself in Joe's place- encouraging her, checking in with her, and letting her know that anything better than her last time would be a win.  (Except I was nicer than Joe.  Of course, I was more of a pain in the ass about it than Paula was...)  I was so excited to get a text from her this morning saying that she did it, and it wasn't as bad as she thought! 

I have another friend in my small group who also just started running.  I love listening to her talk about her experiences so far; she always thought it was something she could never do because of her bad knees.  We were talking about how we love how inclusive running is. I have never felt judged by anyone for my terrible pace.  (Well, except the organizers of the Chicago Get Lucky Half Marathon, who decided on a course time limit that's too short for me.)  My friend was saying how she can't believe how helpful and encouraging everyone is, and I've had the same experience.  And it's funny, because now that I've been running for a few months, I find myself trying to get other people involved in it and wanting to help them the way my friends helped me.  I love being part of this club, even if I do feel like an imposter a lot of the time.  Maybe after my first Half, I'll feel legit.  Either way, I love the attitude that most runners seem to have, and I want to convert all my friends! 

Inspiration to get me out of my slump:

So, um, sometimes I can be a little dramatic...

At first, the whole "too slow for the half marathon" thing didn't bother me. I meant what I wrote in my last blog post.

And then Pete and I were texting, and I told him about it, and he was like, "Seriously? You're THAT slow? I thought you were a real runner... You're like one of those old people doing laps at the mall."

And then I went for what was supposed to be a 4 mile run, but I was really struggling and going so slow, and this girl gave me a judgmental look, so I stopped after 2 and sat on my couch and decided I was done with "running."

I was still upset the next day. Pete and I had another conversation in which he supported my decision and suggested I try P90X instead. I bought diet food when I went grocery shopping and told Kristin I was just going to diet.

"That's fine, but is that why you were running in the first place?"

She had a point. Losing weight was never my reason for running.

My original reason for running- staying in shape for canyoneering- ended up not paying off. I don't think I was in any better shape than I was this summer.

But somewhere along the way, my reason for running changed. I wasn't thinking about canyoneering or losing weight; I was just thinking about how good it made me feel.

I was serious about quitting running for a few days. But yesterday, I REALLY wanted to go for a run. I couldn't stop thinking about it today. I'm so mad that the weather is so ridiculously cold; now I'm going to have to wait till Wednesday to run. I see snow in the forecast, so I'm crossing my fingers that I'm still able to run.

This latest little crisis has taught me a few things:

1. I don't think I could quit running, even if I wanted to. I have an addictive personality; apparently I can now add running to my list of addictions.

2. There are going to be some runs that just totally suck, and I need to just get over it and try again the next day rather than overreacting.

3. I was reminded of the incredible support system I have in my life. I have such encouraging friends who offer everything from tough love ("STOP LETTING STUPID BOYS MAKE YOUR DECISIONS FOR YOU!") to sweet words to name calling ("You are a runner, penis head!") to threats. ("If you don't snap out of this, I'm calling Joe!")

Slow

My friend Anne and I were planning on running the Chicago Get Lucky half-marathon in March.

Here is why Anne is awesome. An email from her this morning contained the following quote:

"Dear half-marathon, in the wise words of Rihanna, 'Imma make you my bitch and it ain't even my birthday.'"

I didn't want to register for the race until I was sure I could do it. After my 10 miles the other night, I felt confident I could do 13 miles by March.

So tonight I went on the race website and saw that there is a 3 hour limit.

It took me 2:26 to run those 10 miles. I'm not going to finish a half marathon in under 3 hours.

Now, I honestly don't care about my pace. Yes, I know I'm more of a slow jogger than an actual runner. But it doesn't bother me... The point is, I got it done. And actually, I'm impressed with myself that I can jog for two and a half hours!

Also, this is only my pace for long runs. Today's 3 mile run, for example, had an average pace of 13:19. I've even had a few runs where my pace was around 12:30. But if I'm going a long distance, I'm going slow. There's no way my pace is going to increase that drastically in 8 weeks. So, no half marathon for me... :(

I am scheduled to run 13 miles Valentine's weekend. So that will just be my own private little half marathon.

And I don't care if I suck. I'm still going to keep running. Actually, jogging.

10 Miles

I was looking forward to FreezeFest because Jason and I needed to have an in-depth conversation about my running goals.

I won't go into what those goals are, but I was not expecting his reaction.  After I went on and on about my options, and what if this and what if that and how should I do this, he said, "I don't like it."

"What??? I  thought you'd be encouraging this!"

"You have too much stress and anxiety.  You're putting too much pressure on yourself.  I don't want you running because you're following some schedule and scared to miss a day.  I want you running because you love it.  If this becomes an obligation, or if you can't keep up with the training, I'm afraid you're going to give up on running." 

I think he is both right and wrong.  My goals are ambitious, and it is entirely possible that I won't meet them and will get discouraged. But I'm going to keep my goals, and try to remain realistic.  And if it's not fun, I'll stop. 

Yesterday was fun. 

My training schedule had me running 5 miles.  There was anxiety going into yesterday's run for several reasons:

1. I didn't run during my vacation and wasn't sure how that would affect me.

2. I was behind a day; I was supposed to do that run over the weekend, but there was an ice situation.

3. My long run for the following weekend is 9 miles, and that was a really scary number for me since I'd never gone more than 7. 

I started running.  It was cold (18 degrees by the time I finished) and I was going slow.  But around Mile 3, it just felt so good.  I found a rhythm and didn't want to stop.  I started to consider doing more than 5 miles.  I thought, "What if I just go for it and do the 9 today?  That way it won't be stressing me out all week."  This felt audacious, especially considering I hadn't had any water all day (stupid Diet Coke), and my pre-run snack was some Cheetos.  But I thought, who cares, I'm just going to run until it doesn't feel good anymore.  If I can't do 9 today, I can try again this weekend.  I imagined I was Maniac Magee and ran and ran.

As I passed Mile 7, I started to grin.  This was unfamiliar territory.

At Mile 8, I thought, "You know, if I'm going to do 9, I might as well do 10.  That's a nice round number."

At Mile 8.5, my knee started to hurt and I thought, "Okay, I'm over this." But I was so close, I had to finish. 

And with Mumford and Sons as my accompaniment, I did finish.  With a huge smile on my face. 

I immediately called Jason, before I even got back in my apartment.  He was in his kayak on a lake in the Superstitions. (Jealous!!!)

"Jason!!!  I just ran 10 miles!!!"

"Hell yeah!"

"And I did it because it just felt so good to run."

"Good job!  I'm so proud of you!"

We're not going to talk about my time.  It was truly awful.  (Although, being so slow, I am impressed that I was able to run for so long!)  I honestly don't care about my time.  All I care about is getting those miles done.

It was a really amazing moment.  I am starting to feel legit.

I never thought I'd say this, but I f-ing love running.